Your Story

Catherine

"My very first sexual experience, I was coerced. I had agreed to perform a sexual act but got scared in the moment. I said "I don't know" and he said "just do it" and nudged my head forward. We then tried to have PIV sex, but my body wouldn't let me. It took me awhile to learn that I had vaginismus, and even longer to learn what body already knew: this wasn't consensual and I wasn't safe.

We dated for a long time without even being in the same state as one another. And when we did met up, I had even more of a libido than he did, and I did enjoy it most of the time. Even when it hurt. What I didn't enjoy was his irritation and disappointment when my vaginismus caused me too much pain to continue, and his comments about still being a virgin.

Once we started living together, I don't really know when things changed; when my libido shot to zero. I can't pinpoint one specific event that started it, but I do remember some events. When I was three weeks postpartum and he made me...please him in the shower, while our child was on the other side of the shower curtain. I was so tired and still sore from a c-section and only wanted to sleep, but he did anyways. When he told me-with a smile on his face-that I "owed" him for helping me with some car problems or picking up my antidepressants. When he told me that we should get divorced, since I was "never in the mood anyways".

And now, I feel like shit when I say no, worse when I say yes, and disgusting if my body actually starts to enjoy it. And I don't know how to get out."

Karen

Things started getting bad a few years ago when we suffered a traumatic event that sent me into a deep depression. So I started saying "no" to any form of sex and that's when the coercion became more overt. He would say things like "this isn't normal for a woman your age, most women your age are having sex 3 to 4 times per week". Once I said No he said "you should let me cheat on you". When I was planning our 10th anniversary I suggested staying at a fancy hotel. His response, "whats the point if we're not having sex?" After an argument he did agree to the hotel and I was so grateful that I did have sex with him. That makes me so sad to think about now.

The final straw, he went to the doctor for abdominal pain. That night he told me the doctor said he had "extreme blue balls" and the only treatment was "a long session of penetrative sex". By that point I had already thought he was a pathological liar. I'm not even sure he even went to the doctor. I called him out on his bullshit, but not before he tried one last time to guilty trip me. How could I let my husband suffer so much?! We talked and I finally had the words to say, "ya know, if you were nice to me I'd probably want to have sex with you. Maybe if you showed me some affection it would help." His reply, something along the lines of "i don't feel like doing nice things for you because you're not having sex with me"

The gaslighting was real. I actually googled the next day to see if that was actually a diagnosis/treatment!

Nichola

We were on a weekend holiday away. He kissing me in the bedroom and he was getting frisky, I told him I had my period (no lies I did) but he believed that I could manipulate when I got it. He said, "you've just ruined my whole weekend", he then proceeded to give me horrible looks of disgust, then the silent treatment. As we went to bed on the first night, he said that I was to remind him that he wasn't talking to me in the morning. We got up and had breakfast and mid breakfast he declared "I forgot I wasn't talking to you" that was it, silent treatment for the rest of the day. Later that night he asks me "what's wrong with you? You've been quiet all day". I knew then something was incredibly wrong with our relationship but had no words for it, until I came across your TikTok and that sent me on google spiral.

Katelyn

It was my (now ex) husband's birthday. We spent the evening at a restaurant with our 2 small children celebrating. We came home, put the kids to bed and it took me awhile to get my 6 month old to sleep. I came out of her room and told my husband I was going to bed because I was exhausted. I get a text from him that says:

Ex: "I understand what's going on but it's still my birthday" (referring to the sexual coercion I have already discussed with him being the reason I don't want to have sex with him)

Me: Sex is not a given just because it's your birthday

Ex: Best Birthday ever thanks for everything (sarcasm)

Sad that I have to wish for sex from my wife for my birthday

Thats all I wanted, a wife who loves me and would want to have sex and make her husband happy on his birthday and make it a great birthday and didn't even get that.

Me:

Him: That's all the response I get

Me: yes

Him: Why?

Me: because I'm just going to say the same things I have already said a million times and I am tired of it

Him: why did you not give me a great birthday why do you not love me

I get nothing on my BIRTHDAY it's once a year

Kendra

There are so many incidents. The big one for me was one night I forgot to check my calendar. It was day 7 since we had had sex. I was exhausted and tried promising tomorrow. He rolled as far away from me as possible and said "I'm sorry I'm so repulsive you never want to have sex with me." I told him I was just tired. Him: "You think I'm not? I work all week, 12 hour days for you and our son." I was working full time too and caring for our 2 yr old. This went on a while.

I gave in. Told him fine, we can tonight. I cried quietly through the whole thing. He didn't notice and didn't stop. I found out later he did notice all the times I didn't want it....and he didn't care. Because my body responded he said once he got going I liked it. I hated myself and felt disgusting.

Amanda

He use to crack our bedroom door to see if I was sleeping. He thought I didn’t know he was doing it. He would stand there FOREVER trying to see if I was really asleep because I said I was “going to bed.” Most of the time I knew he was watching but if for some reason he was able to do it without me knowing and he saw I was awake he would “come in for the kill” as I called it to myself. I felt so paranoid like I couldn’t even fall asleep in peace. He came in on me several times while I was NURSING OUR BABY and slid in bed behind me and I was trapped. I think he knew I couldn’t get up because I was nursing so he knew he wouldn’t be turned down. Makes me sick to think about it.

Faith

We were married for 18 years when it became painfully clear that I’d been sexually and emotionally abused for most of our marriage. I’d endured years upon years of coercion, sexual assaults, gaslighting, stonewalling, and lots of blame shifting.

And then I found Nat on TikTok, and felt less alone and less lost.

I wanted out of our marriage but we had four kids together. Financially, it didn’t make sense to separate, as we were low income to begin with. So he agreed to couples therapy. As a side note, couples therapy with someone who is committed to being an abuser can be absolutely unsafe for their victim. The difference for us is that he repeatedly took full accountability for the multiple ways that he had harmed me.

But I no longer loved him. I also didn’t view him as a friend or someone I could trust, and that was the biggest hurdle of all.

For over a year, he remain consistent. He also went to individual therapy. He took accountability over and over. He became a healthy partner and respected my boundaries, which were that I did not ever, under any circumstances, want to be touched by him.

So during that time, we slept side-by-side in our bedroom but we never hugged, never held hands, never touched in any way. His touch was not welcome to me and he knew it, but more importantly he respected it.

Even though we were consistent in therapy and he was doing everything “right”, mentally and emotionally, nothing changed for me.

And then, one day he opened up to his mother about what he’d done to me. Which shocked me because he has a big mother wound and historically never confided in her at all. That was when I knew that he really changed. He wasn’t focused on protecting his image, rather he was revealing the truth to the people who would help support me and the kids in the event that we divorced. And that sparked something important in me.

After that, I began feeling trust again, and we gradually became friends once more. In April of 2022, we celebrated 20 years of marriage. Our relationship isn’t “back to normal” by any means. With the awareness we both have, neither of us want that, as our version of normal was harmful. We’ve had to work through a lot of triggers. We’ve occasionally had to dial back on intimacy when I’d hit an emotional rough patch. We’ve had to maintain certain boundaries around sex. It hasn’t been all dreams and rosy, but it’s still 100% better than it ever was.

Yes, my husband abused me. The knowledge of that will never be forgotten by either of us. And statistics show that when people who’ve engaged in abusive behavior seek help (therapy), only 5% of them are able to change. He has proven to be part of that 5%.