Hey, I’m Nat.

Toward the end of 2020, I separated from my husband of 20 years. About a week after he moved out I started talking about my experience through a series of Tiktok videos.

Being new to the app and having no understanding of the “For You Page”, I didn’t imagine at the time that anyone would see them. 

In my mind that first time I recorded a video, I really believed it was just for me, and maybe potentially a dozen or so people who might accidentally stumble upon it.

Within a few weeks one of my videos was seen by a half million people and a following swiftly grew. As I wrestled with the decision to continue, given the extreme and sudden exposure, it quickly became clear I was not alone in the things I was talking about: primarily spiritual abuse and sexual coercion within marriage. 

A community developed, on which I began to lean heavily for support during what has proven to be the most precarious time in my life, spiritually and psychologically. 

Here, I expand on these topics with longer writings and links to my research. You’ll also find an archive of some of the more popular and relevant videos I’ve made during the course of this separation (and ultimate divorce). 

And for those still in their abusive relationship, there are resources to get more help. I am not a therapist or other licensed professional. I am only a woman who was devalued by her church and her husband, and is pushing back. 

@alwaysmending on TikTok.

The short story

I don’t enjoy talking about my ex-husband, please know that at the start. This was accidental. I only meant to get some things off my chest. But now that I’m here, this is the very short version of all that went on.

From the wedding night, the man I loved was consistently frustrated and angry with me if I was ever “not in the mood” for sex for any reason. I didn’t see the issue with this because I had been properly conditioned by society and more so by the church, to believe that sex was an absolute must in marriage and it was even something God expected a woman to do FOR her husband. Any “no” from a wife was wrong, harmful, abusive even.

So when he was angry or upset, or as the years went on, depressed, I blamed myself. This guilt and shame wore on me to the point I eventually became impotent. I couldn’t do it when I wanted to. But I didn’t know this until after we split and I got help.

I learned about arousal, the nervous system, and how coercion and sexual assault can damage the body and mind. I began talking to other women in a support group I formed through my TikTok videos. Thousands of women, comparing notes.

With the help of my therapist, lots of reading, and discussion on the topic of coercion, it became clear that all of my sexual struggles were because I had really never been given the freedom to be sexual in and of myself, and FOR MYSELF. My sexuality existed to please my husband and when it didn’t please him, it died a little at a time over the course of 20 years.

So I talk about all of this, what coercion looks like in marriage, the things men say to manipulate a wife into sex or make her feel guilty for saying no. I create content breaking down all of the trauma responses I share with other victims of coercion, like impotence, sex aversion, and even many medical issues like insomnia, joint pain, hair loss, and a whole host of other symptoms caused by this removal of autonomy.

For more on this, follow my social media or browse around this website. If you think you may be experiencing coercion (or coercing someone), there is help.