Marital Coercion
is sexual coercion within marriage. This is an insidious form of abuse in which one person routinely uses guilt, shame, feelings of depression and sadness, as well as anger and frustration to manipulate their partner into unwanted sex. This can happen in any relationship dynamic, but it seems to be harder to spot in marriage, where society tells us sex is a naturally occurring thing and a great deal of importance is placed on our frequency of sexual encounters. This tends to give license to coercive people to strong arm their partner “for the health of” the relationship.
We also see pressure coming from outside the relationship from family, friends, and even many marriage counselors place greater priority on the “need” for sex over the need for bodily autonomy.
Disclaimer: This website was built for informational purposes only and is not intended to be used as a medical or psychological resource. Please consult your doctor or therapist for more information. Be aware that sexual coercion within marriage is a largely unknown or ignored factor and you will not always be received with compassion. Be prepared for pushback. This website is not meant to be used as leverage against an abusive spouse, but for your own peace of mind, so you know there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
This website was built by a survivor of marital coercion.
Examples of Sexual Coercion
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Guilt & Shame
You may feel guilty saying no, and this can come from your partner as well as outside sources. Family and friends, people at church, and even self-help books, social media, and other internet sources can make you feel like you’re wrong to decline sex.
NOTE: If you are feeling obligation to sex that is NOT coming from your partner, talk to them about it. This may be something you can overcome together.
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Emotional Blackmail
If he tells you he’s depressed and sex will make him feel better, or he feels disconnected from you and needs sex to feel closer to you, this is using your empathy to make you feel bad for saying no. Sometimes this is referred to as weaponized misery.
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Anger & Passive Agression
He may get angry when you aren’t in the mood, accusing you of “withholding” or “making excuses” because he feels entitled to sex and is resentful that you aren’t interested at the same time he is. This anger can be expressed by yelling, or by slamming a door, but you will know he’s unhappy with you.
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Seduction & Persuasion
A more covert form of coercion is false niceness meant to win you over to sex but you can sense it is not genuine. It might be flowers, or kind words but you’ll feel something is off. He doesn’t have a history of doing or saying these things except in an effort to get sex.
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Physical Violence
You may tell yourself “at least he doesn’t hit me” but there are ways he will make himself a physical threat. He might punch a pillow, slam a drawer, stomp loudly, or something else he knows will intimidate you. This is all physical violence even when not directed at you. You are meant to feel it.
Frequently Asked Questions
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But he's really good to me, don't I owe him?
Love-Bombing
This form of sexual coercion includes extreme compliments and big promises if you get sexual.
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Is it sexual coercion if I said yes but I didn’t want to?
A victim of coercion doesn’t feel free to say anything other than yes. If you’re afraid to say no for any reason, you aren’t engaging with consent.
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What if they just keep asking over and over again?
One form of sexual coercion is wearing you down by asking for sex again and again. Whether you’ve gently declined or directly rejected someone’s advances, they shouldn’t keep the pressure on — they should accept your boundary and stop asking.
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Is it sexual coercion if my body responds favorably even though I don’t want to do it?
Involuntary physical responses, such as an erection or vaginal lubrication, are not equivalent to consent. True consent is also not possible if a person feels pressured or intimidated into saying “yes”, or they simply do not say “no”. Sexual contact in these situations can be sexual assault.
This is domestic violence.
Things they say
The following are statements used to coerce as well as things well-meaning people say to the victim when they seek advice from friends and family. When the spouse is saying the same things at home, this is intensely damaging as the victim feels unheard, and more lost and alone than before. And they will likely never speak up again to anyone.
It’s been a week, don’t you care about me at all?
We might as well be roommates.
You said no last time.
I shouldn't have to pressure you.
Fine, I won't ask you anymore.
If you love him, you’d stop saying no
Maybe you have some childhood trauma getting in the way.
You should be happy he’s still attracted to you.
Can't you just try? You'll get into it once you get going.
Men just aren’t emotional, they need sex to feel loved
You’re married now, you don’t get to say no
It’s not fair for you to always say no.
Another period?
You’re completely ignoring my needs.
There’s something wrong with you.
Have you seen a doctor about this?
Science says a man needs it every 72 hours
The Bible says don’t deprive each other
My body belongs to you too
My love language is physical touch
But I did the dishes and even put gas in your car
If you loved me you would
Don’t blame me for what that other guy did to you
No one wants a sexless marriage.
Do you ever consider your partner’s feelings of rejection?
Just put it on a calendar.
Don’t you know men need sex
You’re just trying to control me
Is it my fault I want my wife?
Have another glass of wine
Come on, the kids won’t hear anything
If I wait for you to get in the mood, it’ll never happen
You should want this too
It’s not right for you to withhold sex.
I don’t like sex much either, so sometimes I just pretend I’m into it, it makes him happy and it only takes a few minutes.
If you don’t love him anymore, you should let him go so he can find someone who does.
Maybe his love language is physical touch
I get you have periods sometimes but don’t take it out on me, you can still take care of me in other ways.
You need to get therapy
I’m tired of excuses
I feel like you don’t value me.
Don’t you appreciate everything I do for this family?
I let you say no all the time.
It’s not right to cut him off, that’s abuse.
The more you do it, the more you’ll want to do it.
We all fake it sometimes
As long as he’s not physically violent, there’s no excuse for you to reject him.
Just picture Brad Pitt
You’re being selfish
If you don’t do it, he’ll get it somewhere else.
At least he doesn’t hit you
If you initiate, then you get to decide when you do it, but don’t let it go too long
I would never say no to my husband, that’s an awful way to treat him.
If your significant other has to beg you for sex, maybe you should just move on.
Just put it on the calendar
A little wine can help get you in the mood
If you want him to be faithful, you have to give him a reason to be.
The damaging effects of coercion on the mind and body
Evidence is anecdotal, from comments, and emails from women who are currently in or have left coercive marriages.
Loss of arousal due to a feeling of being unsafe with your partner emotionally and psychologically.
Feeling the need to “get it over with” or fake your way through it to avoid consequences.
Feelings of disgust in your body and a decline in hygiene or appearance.
Loss of memory, short term or long, large or small memories.
Clumsiness, flightiness, a feeling of mental fogginess.
Vaginismus and orgasmic dysfunction.
Fighting back in ways that are uncharacteristic of your normal personality.
Hiding when you change your clothes.
You flinch at his touch, or a common sound related to him, such as a car door slamming or keys in the door.
Feeling an awareness of how bad his behavior is but consistently defending him to others.
This effects all genders and sexualities
Although we are seeing this primarily in heterosexual relationships with husbands as the coercive partner, this absolutely does happen across all types of relationships. This resource is not meant to exclude anyone. Please google “sexual coercion” for more information about this type of abuse in every type of dating or long term relationship. There is so much more to this than can fit here within the scope of marriage.
Your Stories
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Nichola
We were on a weekend holiday away. He kissing me in the bedroom and he was getting frisky, I told him I had my period (no lies I did) but he believed that I could manipulate when I got it. He said, "you've just ruined my whole weekend", he then proceeded to give me horrible looks of disgust, then the silent treatment. As we went to bed on the first night, he said that I was to remind him that he wasn't talking to me in the morning. We got up and had breakfast and mid breakfast he declared "I forgot I wasn't talking to you" that was it, silent treatment for the rest of the day. Later that night he asks me "what's wrong with you? You've been quiet all day". I knew then something was incredibly wrong with our relationship but had no words for it, until I came across your TikTok and that sent me on google spiral.
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Amanda
He use to crack our bedroom door to see if I was sleeping. He thought I didn’t know he was doing it. He would stand there FOREVER trying to see if I was really asleep because I said I was “going to bed.” Most of the time I knew he was watching but if for some reason he was able to do it without me knowing and he saw I was awake he would “come in for the kill” as I called it to myself. I felt so paranoid like I couldn’t even fall asleep in peace. He came in on me several times while I was NURSING OUR BABY and slid in bed behind me and I was trapped. I think he knew I couldn’t get up because I was nursing so he knew he wouldn’t be turned down. Makes me sick to think about it.
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Kendra
There are so many incidents. The big one for me was one night I forgot to check my calendar. It was day 7 since we had had sex. I was exhausted and tried promising tomorrow. He rolled as far away from me as possible and said "I'm sorry I'm so repulsive you never want to have sex with me." I told him I was just tired. Him: "You think I'm not? I work all week, 12 hour days for you and our son." I was working full time too and caring for our 2 yr old. This went on a while.
I gave in. Told him fine, we can tonight. I cried quietly through the whole thing. He didn't notice and didn't stop. I found out later he did notice all the times I didn't want it....and he didn't care. Because my body responded he said once he got going I liked it. I hated myself and felt disgusting.
More Stories
For more personal accounts of sexual coercion, visit alwaysmending.com/your-story
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Domestic Violence Hotline Website
Learn more about sexual coercion (in any relationship) and get more help.
Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Text "START" to 88788 -
Crisis Text Line
If you’re suffering anxiety, depression, loneliness, emotional abuse… there is help.
TEXT HOME to 741741
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Rainn.org
Rainn can also offer support via phone, mobile app, or chat. You can also find many more resources on their website.
Call 800.656.4673